Man’s Haircut Last Attempt At Exercising Control Over Life

Telling the barber to take a little more off the sides is the most control Barthel has felt in years.

In what was deemed a last-ditch effort at displaying any kind of control over what happened to him in his life, area man Jake Barthel reportedly got a haircut last week.

Barthel, who had of late been looking “a little scraggly,” decided that a change in his physical appearance could help him recenter his locus of control, despite years of losing his grip on how his life unfolded.

“It was time for a change,” Barthel said optimistically, not realizing that this was clearly a final effort at demonstrating any kind of agency over his life.

Barthel, who had been incapable of holding down a job for more than a few months and was showing himself to be almost entirely inept socially, figured a haircut might be just what he needed to get back on the right track.

“I told the barber I wanted something real fresh, something to let people know I’m the man and I’ve got my act together,” said Barthel, seemingly unaware that he was bobbing helplessly along in the sweeping current of the universe, and that none of his actions would ever be of any consequence.

“Yeah, he really seemed to be grasping for something,” said Mark Draper, the barber that saw to Barthel’s haircut. “But by the time most people are asking for a tapered bowl-cut, I’ve assumed they’ve really resigned themselves to it all anyways.”

At press time, Barthel was debating whether or not to go on the Atkins diet, while the cruel hand of fate tossed him to and fro.

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