Scientists Debate Whether ‘Goldilocks’ Planet Possible, Just Still High From Last Night

Appearing more excited by his own findings as the press conference wore on, NASA Scientist Joshua Alwood announced the possibility of an Earthlike “Goldilocks” planet capable of sustaining human life, conceding that he may still just be high from a joint smoked the night before.

Heated speculation over the implications of colonization of the planet, dubbed Heldor 420b, has ensued since the announcement. Aerospace experts are reportedly racing to develop a technical approach for further exploration of the planet’s ecosystem, the approximate satellite capabilities necessary for telecommunication to another planet, and the likelihood that the new weed guy slipped something weird in there.

“It has come to our attention through telescopic investigations that exobiology on Heldor is feasible. And seriously how fucking cool would that be? But, like doesn’t that make you feel so tiny and that, like none of this matters?” Alwood remarked last Friday. “Is it just me or are the lights really bright in this room?” he later added after being asked whether chemicals in the soil of the planet suggested autonomous life.

The scientific community of late has been split on the subject, namely about the distinct possibility that those brownies were a lot stronger than anticipated, and that perhaps they are still high from the previous night at Dave’s. Recent reports out of Dave’s condo porch suggest that there’s probably something up there already, maybe someone named Dave, staring back at us from someone’s condo porch on Heldor.

Division Director Steve Meyers, who was last seen tearing up in the NASA planetarium, added, “Whoever’s up there, know that I love you and that I’m coming to meet you one day after I get a pizza or something.”

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