University Lauds Self For Number Of Useless Campus Resources

A new campus resource proudly displays its profound lack of necessity.

 
With the opening of the Shauna Diehl Printer/Scanner Lounge on the seventh floor of Wieser Hall, University officials took the opportunity to praise the school and administration for their commitment to providing an unparalleled level of auxiliary, nonessential, and ultimately useless resources to its students.

“On a campus of our size, it can be hard to find the academic, social, and financial support students need,” said Provost Martha Pollack. “The dozens of worthless resource centers, offices, and institutes on this campus are a great reminder of that.”

“It’s an honor to serve as the last bastion of hope for students who need support in any aspect of their college life,” said Office of Student Conflict Resolution representative Sharanjit Kishore. “They can come to us for help with a problem that hasn’t been solved anywhere else and ultimately find out that there is nothing we can really do.”

Students also praised the University’s understaffed, inexperienced and unprepared centers for their inability to handle the diverse needs of 60,000 students.

“I recently made an appointment with the Career Center on their website, and when I got to my appointment, my advisor just directed me to all of the resources on their website,” said sophomore Emily Gonzales. “How would I have known that their website was for more than just making appointments if I hadn’t met with Kelsey?”

“It’s a real point of pride,” said Pollack. “There are few schools our size that serve their students with the same level of complacency and inconsistency that U of M does.” Continued Pollack, “and with the financial boost that comes with each new resource center, there’s a great incentive to see how much funding we can get for being the only school with, say, an academic support service specifically for kids who retrieved balls at tennis matches when they were in high school.”

Pollack announced that the new Printer/Scanner lounge would be open from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Monday through Thursday, ensuring that “the fewest amount of students have time to actually use this new resource.”

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