Expressing excitement for the University of Michigan’s new deal with Nike, representatives of both parties elaborated on how the partnership will usher in a new era of excellence and exploitative pricing.
“When you think of Jordan and Michigan, you think of the greatest basketball player and the greatest college football team of all time.” said Nike spokesman Alan Nero. “You think of ‘his airness,’ $200 shoes, Rose Bowl victories, and the fact that out-of-state tuition is something like 60 grand a semester. It just makes sense for both brands.”
While Air Jordan didn’t change the long-standing style of the football uniforms, they upgraded the fabric to a lightweight mesh, introduced a new number font, and in the spirit of Michigan tradition, made them available at the M-Den for roughly 200 times the cost of production.
“We wanted to take the classic design of the uniforms and perfect it,” said Nero. “We drew inspiration from old photos of Charles Woodson, articles of Stephen M. Ross’ clothing, and photos of Tom Brady sitting in a pile of money. We wanted to channel the essence of Michigan’s atmosphere: winning, and profit margins over 300%.”
Athletic director Warde Manuel also commented on the positive impact of the Nike brand on the players, stating that they were all very excited to go out and play their hardest in top-shelf boutique football jerseys.
“We couldn’t be happier with how the apparel came out,” said Manuel. “We put our faith in Nike to honor our history of being an elite, high revenue team, and they really hit the nail on the head.”
Eager customers waited in line outside of the M-Den for the midnight release of the new apparel last month, saying that the switch back to Nike is not only symbolic of Michigan’s return to greatness, but also tasteless luxury.
“Having the Jumpman logo [on the uniform] is huge,” said student Bradley Termeran, after purchasing a $75 polo tech shirt. “It means that Michigan is back and better than ever. Everyone remembers the time that the athletic department tried giving away tickets with the purchase of two Coke products. Now the university is free to charge whatever they’d like, and it just feels right.”
At press time, financial aid recipients were reportedly scouring the basement of M-Den for discounted Adidas gear.