Following a morning of attempting to convert students to the Catholic faith, local Diag Preacher Steve Habs was reportedly undecided about where he would go for lunch, but remained completely sure that Jews played a central role in the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center.
Habs, who had been craving a burrito, but whose doctor said he should try to stick with salads and low-fat soups in the middle of the day, is 100% certain that Ariel Sharon personally planted plutonium rods in the basement of the Pentagon. Although he has never expressed doubt regarding whether or not the United States government is a puppet of the Zionist movement, Habs was recently seen googling which Mexican restaurants near him deliver.
Mark Getler, a Panera employee, noted, “That crazy guy from the diag comes in about twice a week. Takes 20 minutes to decide between a turkey sandwich or a you-pick-two. It’s really frustrating for our other customers.” Getler later added, “He also told me Israeli Mossad agents took down Tower 7 and he could prove it if I came with him to his van.”
Noting a slight “rumbling in his tummy,” Habs reasoned that if he got the falafel plate from Ahmo’s he might be able to save half of it for dinner. Habs later concluded that the Jews won’t be allowed into heaven because they were the ones who orchestrated the war in Iraq for profit.
At press time, Habs was searching the bottom of his backpack for a Clif bar he thought he packed this morning while announcing to a nearby student that the Kennedy assassination was absolutely an inside job.
