Murderer’s Dirty Texts Hotter Than Police Suspected

Detective Barr was reportedly shocked by Marvin’s meticulous planning of his crimes and of his kinky night with a woman named Sarah.

Following a yearlong investigation into the life of convicted murderer George Marvin, police revealed that the most shocking part of the investigation was the revelation of countless “very hot” texts between the killer and various assumed sexual partners.

“I’ve been on the force for over 20 years, and let me tell you, I have very rarely come across a criminal whose texts get me going like this,” said Robert Barr, chief detective on the Marvin case. “We confiscated George’s phone expecting only to find evidence implicating him at the crime scene. Who could have predicted the raw sexuality of a man once presumed innocent?”

Among the thousands of text and image files recovered from Marvin’s phone were several “eyebrow-raising” photos of curvaceous, unclothed women, many “overwhelming” dialogues describing sexual acts between Marvin and said women, and a number of pictures depicting Marvin’s penis such that officers were “equally impressed as they were horrified.”

“Honestly, many of our officers struggled to maintain their composure as they were processing evidence— we often had to take quick bathroom breaks,” said police officer Amy Allen. “There just aren’t many deranged lunatics who know how to work angles to their advantage like Mr. Marvin.”

“Say what you want about Marvin, but the man is very methodical in everything he does,” added junior officer Nick Lane. “I mean, the attention to detail—for example, he sent one woman this fantasy in which he bends her over his kitchen counter and I almost felt like I was there.”

“Honestly,” added Lane, “his material blows the Downriver Killer’s way out of the water.”

When asked for comment from his prison cell, Marvin said he was launching a complaint alleging unnecessary violation of his privacy, as well as attempting to arrange his “totally booked” conjugal visit schedule.

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