Janis reportedly attempted to explain to Kendrick the innumerable possible consequences of speaking to his crush.
Apparently unable to imagine the infinite number of possible negative consequences, area man Zach Kendrick has reportedly advised his friend, Austin Janis, to ask out Ana Lang, an attractive female classmate. Kendrick argued that Janis had “nothing to lose” and that “the worst thing [Lang] could do is say no.”
“Zach acts like nothing bad will happen if I talk to her, but that’s just not realistic,” said Janis. “Class would be so awkward if she said no, which is probably one of the better outcomes when you consider that she could just laugh in my face or tell me to go to hell.”
Kendrick, apparently oblivious to the lethal minefield that is social interaction, appeared confused by Janis’ reaction.
“Dude, nothing bad could come out of just talking to her. I think it’s all just in your head,” said Kendrick in a text message to Janis, ignoring the wide variety of very real consequences that could occur, such as the possibility of Janis becoming mute, a theme of Janis’ nightmares at least once a month.
“What if I try to talk to her and I can’t think of anything to say?” Janis said. “Or I could get too nervous and just pee my pants, right there in the middle of class.”
At press time, Kendrick was pressing Janis to “at least friend her on Facebook,” prompting Janis to contemplate the various ways he could be humiliated by Lang over social media.