Local Little Sister Charged With Death Of 2,383 Sims

Emma made sure all her Sims had the chance to woohoo before meeting their watery deaths.

Emma Sawburn, 19, of Oak Hills Michigan was arrested by police Tuesday morning during a daring pre-dawn raid and charged with well over 2,000 accounts of Simcide along with charges of neglect and domestic abuse. The charges apparently stem from Sawburn’s actions while playing the popular computer game “The Sims.”

Police seized multiple computers as evidence and were shocked at what they found.

“It was pretty grizzly stuff,” said veteran police chief Albert Michaels. “I mean we have images of dead Sims all over the place. Some of them haven’t been identified; they’re just piles ash that we need to check for dental records and then place in decorative vase.”

At press time, authorities are unsure whether Sawburn, herself, or the game was responsible for the screenshots of over 10,000 ‘moments’ saved to her computer’s hard drive, most depicting the birth of a new Sim only to be followed quickly by its untimely death.

“I haven’t seen anything like this in my 30 years of law enforcement,” said Michaels. “The houses she stuck them in looked like they were designed by some sort of madman.”

Michaels went on to detail some of the more inexplicable architectural features of Sawburn’s “Castles of death.”

“The pools had no ladders! How were those poor Sims supposed to exit the pool? Many were forced to swim around with no chance of escape until drowning due to exhaustion,” Michaels reported. “And don’t get me started on the repeated fire code violations. Everyone knows you need a fire alarm in the same room as a fireplace or stove. It’s well-known fact that 99.9% of Sims will run, moth-like, directly toward an open flame if it’s not put out. The whole situation is appalling.”

Sawburn’s motives in undertaking such a brazen display of brutality towards her Sims are not known, but her older brother has posited that she was most likely just “bored as fuck.”

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