Describing his past self as “awful” and “cringey,” sophomore John Pitters told reporters that he was both excited and intrigued to discover what he will hate about himself in years to come.
“I’m pretty happy with my life and who I am as a person, so I’m really interested to find out how my future self will find me completely awful,” said Pitters.
“Whenever I look at my old Facebook posts, I’m always amazed by how much of a piece of shit I was just a few years ago,” continued Pitters, who highlighted, among other examples, a picture of himself skateboarding and wearing a t-shirt that read ‘My Dog Ate My Homework.’ “If I saw that kid walking down the street today, I would want to punch him so bad. So why is now any different?”
While Pitters has yet to discover which elements of his life and personality that future iterations of himself will find completely deplorable, Pitters’ friends say they have some suspicions.
“John’s a pretty cool guy, but I can definitely see some ways I’m going to make fun of him a few years down the road,” said Bob Goel, Pitters’ roommate. “He tried to go vegan just a few months ago and I already give him shit for that.”
While Goel declined to comment on any of Pitters’ current negative character traits, he hinted that Pitters’ newfound affinity for cigars may be a “gold mine” for future ridicule.
“John’s a nice guy, and I think he’s being a bit hard on himself by just assuming his future self will find something to hate about his current self,” said Juliette Stevens, Pitters’ girlfriend. “But I’ll admit, I can’t wait to see what horrible personality trait causes me to break up with him in a few months.”