The few remaining members of the critically endangered species Rhinoceros Sondaicus, the Javan Rhinoceros, have decided to simply “get it over with” instead of waiting for the inevitable. All thirty-four Javan rhinoceroses plan to cease having offspring and commit suicide by the end of the year.
“I tried to stay optimistic, but it’s really looking like it isn’t going to pan out for us,” said a Javan rhinoceros who wishes to remain anonymous. “These conservation efforts are a day late and a dollar short. I feel bad for my friends who got knocked up.” The Javan rhino, whose species has been dwindling for the past half-century, thinks it’s about time to call it quits.
A female rhinoceros said, “My brother had the right idea. He was the first one to kill himself – stuck his head in a river until he passed out. It sure ain’t pleasant but it beats the alternative.” When asked about her own plans, the female rhinoceros said, “Am I just going to sit on my ass until some poacher finds me? Hell no. I’m OD’ing on pills and never waking up.”
Some conservation scientists are on board with the Javan rhinoceroses’ plan. Said Dr. Lucy Cho of the IUCN, “When we first heard about this we were going to come and do an intervention-type thing, and then we realized, darn it all, they’re right! As a species they are totally fucked!”
The Javan rhinoceroses’ actions may, however, have a silver lining. “Now that we no longer have to use resources to protect the rhinos, maybe we can stop the golden lion tamarins from offing themselves,” said Dr. Cho. Recent studies have suggested that a lack of adequate habitat, droughts, and no real motivation to keep this thing going has contributed to the rhinoceroses’ demise.
At press time, a pack of African cheetahs had been spotted