It Was All Part Of My Plan!

Ah, Mr. Drumpf. Kudos to you. For years I’ve worked to bring America to it’s knees, but you’ve seen through my ruse. Decades of plotting and scheming, leaving a careful trail of breadcrumbs – rising sea levels, melting ice caps, an overwhelming scientific consensus – but I couldn’t fool you. Your keen eye saw the myth of global warming for what it really was: an elaborate hoax perpetrated by my administration. Alas, I have been foiled once more. Rats!

I thought I could cripple your booming industry with costly environmental regulations, giving my people the upper hand in a vie for economic supremacy – and I would’ve gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for your steadfast vigilance against the establishment, and distrust of almost all of the world’s leading climate scientists.

How foolish I was to believe that manipulating the ice cores and tree rings in every single study of climate change on geologic timescales to corroborate the theory that temperatures have dramatically risen since the industrial revolution would be enough to trick someone even as wise as you.

All my work– squandered. All the time I’ve spent euthanizing polar bears, bleaching coral reefs, and perpetrating droughts in California – wasted. All the agents I deployed to American universities and pushed through the tenure system in order to establish the ultimate means of propaganda dissemination – for nothing! Curses!

I suppose I must congratulate you on a game well played. Bravo, my friend.

What’s that? Does this all sound a little disingenuous to you?

You think maybe I wanted you to believe it was a hoax this entire time? Maybe you’ve fallen right into the very trap you worked so vehemently to avoid? Maybe all this time I didn’t want you to benefit from the economic and geopolitical influence that comes with leading the world in an impending transition to alternative energies, so I left just the slightest room for doubt, knowing only a mind as sharp as yours could see the “truth.”

But wait!

If that were my plan the whole time, why would I be telling you now? Hmm? Oh you are good. Perhaps I’ve underestimated you –

But what if this is all part of the act? Oh, you’re questioning yourself now, aren’t you? Tee hee! I love watching you squirm, like a tasty little silkworm in the web of a handsome garden spider. Look at you – grasping for reason. There is no reason where I’ve taken you – to the darkest rifts of your mind, where all your precious certainty gives way to chasms of doubt. Where your own name sticks to the tip of your tongue.

You think you’re the first to try to deny me, hmm? You think Putin and Merkel didn’t put up a fight? Didn’t think they could resist the will of Chen Jining, esteemed Minister of Environmental Protection for the People’s Republic of China? Ha! They learned, and so will you. Hush now, my friend, there is nothing to fear.

As they say in my country, tángláng bu hán, huángquè zài hòu- A mantis stalking a cicada is unaware of an oriole behind.

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