Kale Salad With Pine Nuts ‘Delicious Lunch’ According To Lies Woman Tells Self

The lunch that Hoffman has been telling herself is “tasty.”

The lunch that Hoffman has been telling herself is “tasty.”

According to local woman Sarah Hoffman’s own self-delusions, a hearty kale salad with some roasted butternut squash and toasted pine nuts made for a “great” lunch last Saturday afternoon.

Hoffman, a project manager at a local advertising firm, has been been blissfully lying to herself about how decadent her food choices are ever since she swore off dairy in 2013.

“I’m always on the hunt for a quick and easy lunch I can eat at my desk without feeling guilty. The key is to have a rainbow on your plate and pure deception in your heart,” announced Hoffman after finishing her tupperware of kale.

Hoffman, who was visibly attempting to conceal a wince from the clearly unappetizing and unsatisfying meal, later added, “You could even throw on a little slice of free-range, antibiotic-free turkey to top off this excuse for a meal.”

The salad, a mix of wilted kale, spinach and whatever leftovers Hoffman could scrounge together from the night before, has been her delusion of something delicious to eat for about a week.

Hoffman has reportedly also been lying to herself about the benefits of exfoliating, bikram yoga, and Jonathan not reaching out after their second date because he actually thinks she may be the one and is afraid of his feelings. The tastiness of her new lunches is the latest in falsehoods she has convinced herself are true.

At press time, Hoffman was convincing herself that walking home from work would probably make her feel more alive and in touch with nature.

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