Local Woman Worried All The ‘Good Therapists’ Going To Be Taken By Now

Opening her laptop and running another search for “psychiatrists near me,” local woman Julia Friedman admitted last Wednesday that she fears, given the current state of the world, that all of the “good therapists” in her area will no longer be taking new patients.

Friedman explained that between her looming undergraduate graduation, the forthcoming winter season, and the presidential election in November, she recently realized she could benefit from the near-constant support of a certified psychiatrist, who would “hopefully at least be a feminist.”

“Since November 8th, I’ve been waking up every morning with crippling depression. Combined with my anxiety about school and work and my seasonal affective disorder that will be setting in soon, I can’t keep putting this off,” said Friedman. “But what if I get stuck with the one therapist in Ann Arbor who’s a total loon because I waited too long to set up a standing appointment? Would it even be worth going at that point?”

Friedman’s boyfriend and roommate Ian Nelson reportedly assured Friedman that regular talk therapy combined with a low dose of antidepressants would surely help her overcome some of her depression, so long as the therapy was with a “relatively young, hip doctor with a good understanding of social justice issues.”

“Julia’s been having a really rough semester,” said Nelson. “She lays around all morning and can’t focus on work or school. It’s really heartbreaking. But what if she gets stuck with an old creep who wanted to do some type of Freudian analysis on her? I’d take the mild depression.”

Friedman confessed that there “can’t possibly be” any psychiatrists left in her area that are worth seeing given the current political climate and the pressure that American students and workers are under to succeed.

“There’s no way I’d still be able to find a therapist with mothering instincts who’s totally non-judgemental this late in the semester. Everyone I know is either freaking out about finding jobs, or have terrible relationships with their mother, or have recently been the victim of a microaggression or hate crime,” said Friedman. “There’s no way they haven’t already snatched all the good ones up.”  

At press time, Friedman was trying to avoid the issue of finding a therapist by giving aromatherapy another go.

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