Teenager Hearing How Easy It Is To Get Drugs Wondering Why He Odd Man Out

Following a school presentation from a police officer on the wide and alarming availability of drugs, local teenager Brandon O’Malley was left pondering his status as the “odd man out.”

“I had no idea that hundreds of teens across the country were using harmful substances like marijuana,” said O’Malley. “I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. Where are people getting this stuff? All my friends have ‘exposed me to’ is a half-drunk Coors Light can from somebody’s basement.”

The presentation, which was part of a program intended to steer high schoolers away from “dope— whatever that word means to you,” included a number of statistics highlighting drugs’ rampant use among American youth. While the police officer cited these numbers as evidence of an epidemic, O’Malley lamented the “lack of peer pressure” he had experienced.

“The officer kept talking about how kids will be at parties and someone will tell them they have to take a hit if they want to be cool,” reported O’Malley. “I could be so fucking lucky.”

Sources close to O’Malley said this is not the first time he expressed his frustration regarding his inability to get high. While many of O’Malley’s peers were content to “say no” if offered a dab, toke, or tab, O’Malley seemed to be perpetually searching for the opportunity.

At press time, O’Malley was questioning why—contrary to the police officer’s claims—he had not yet been asked to join a gang.

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