By A Local Landlord
Finding a place to live in this city can be tough, I know. What separates the ransacked, run-down apartments on the East side of town from the pigsties on the West? It’s a nightmare!
Well, fortunately for you, I’m here, and I’m renting out some of the most bearable shitholes around. Like this one in particular. Allow me to explain what makes this stinking, rotten dungeon the perfect one for you.
First off, the living space is almost sufferable! Sure, you’ll be bumping your elbows on the walls sometimes, and you can only fit twin beds into the bedrooms, but there’s nearly enough room in this joint to live with some semblance of comfort! Can’t you just imagine coming home after a long day of class and being able to kick back, put your hands behind your head, and stretch your legs out? Heck, if you angle it right, you could even stretch those legs out to their full extension! Where else will you find that?
Secondly, while the facilities here have been described as “inadequate,” only rarely are they
described as “woefully” so! I dare you to find a place around here that can boast that level of acclaim. Don’t even get me started on the water! You can wash your clothes and hands in it. Just be sure to boil it before you drink it. The electricity is spotty sometimes, but with all the exposed wiring, you’re probably going to want to avoid using it in the first place, so that shouldn’t be an issue. And if you ever have any issues, like with your doorknobs or garbage disposal or something, you can just let me know and I’ll get one of our maintenance guys on it as soon as we hire some.
Also, this shithole is relatively close to campus. Within walking distance, in fact, which is a good thing because if you had a bike here, it would definitely get stolen. But not to worry since it’s just a brisk, 10-minute walk to the diag. Even less if you’ve got the wind at your back!
Speaking of location, I believe this mismanaged, smelly shit heap will be very conducive to productivity! You’ll never miss an alarm when your neighbor’s dog is up yapping every morning at 5:30 a.m. sharp! And college kids like you are always saying how it’s so much better to study in the library, and how you’re always distracted at home. Well, in this dark, dank excuse for a dwelling, you can count on your neighbors yelling, arguing, partying, and blasting music just about 24/7. You’ll never want to be home! Think of the benefits to your GPA!
Anyways, I think I’ve made my point. Rent is $700 a month, and I’ll be sure to check weekly for more excuses to keep your security deposit. Sign here!