Pictured: Trump’s staff, who also cannot believe they have four more years left.
Reflecting on a tumultuous first few days of policies enacted by the Trump administration, a shocked and weary nation came to the realization today that it is “barely one full week into this thing.”
“I’ve been trying to take the Trump presidency one day at a time,” said Milton, MA resident Shreya Chatterjee. “I was ready to protest against whatever arcane anti-abortion bill or Muslim ban that the new administration might have eventually tried to enact, but at this rate I can’t even fully internalize my fear and disgust before stories about the latest executive order hit my newsfeed. And we’re barely a week out from the inauguration.”
Americans across the country, who have watched in horror as the 45th President of the United States has, in a mere six days, moved ahead with the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline, frozen all Environmental Protection Agency grants and contracts, and threatened to impose martial law in Chicago, echoed Chatterjee’s bewilderment.
“I figured that maybe, if the worst possible outcome occurred, Trump and his advisors would have—by the end of his term—been able to endanger the health of millions of women around the globe, stimulate a wholesale brain drain on the country, and effectively destroy relations with both our allies and opponents,” said Evanston, IL resident Stewart Klein. “But at this rate I’m really not sure what human rights violations there will be left to commit.”
The U.S. populace, which conceded that they were willing to accept that “things would get worse before they got better,” was reportedly “not at all fucking prepared” for things to get so bad quite so quickly.
“I really didn’t think it was even possible to bypass the legislative process with such reckless abandon,” said Helen Myrtle of Muskegon, MI. “It can’t honestly be possible for the president alone to declare a media blackout, order a hiring freeze on the entire federal government, and decide to move the U.S. embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. All this, and he hasn’t even cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts or completely withdrawn from the Paris climate agreement yet.”
Continued Myrtle, “But who knows what he’ll be able to accomplish in the rest of his entire four-year term in office.”
At press time, Trump was signing an executive order into law regarding the creation of a Mexican border wall, and Americans everywhere were realizing it’s not even February yet.