Health Inspector Deems Tables At Local Diner ‘Sufficiently Sticky’

Clark testing the table with his “tablespheric stick-o-meter.”

Following up with a recent health inspection, restaurant Roxie’s Diner was found to be in full compliance with a new health code, and all tables were deemed to be “sufficiently sticky.”

Health inspector Jerry Clark said Roxie’s Diner received “adequate” marks in kitchen cleanliness and scored “above average” in hygienic practices, while also noting that the diner’s tables were the “perfect amount” of sticky.

“These were some pretty consistently sticky tables,” recounted Clark. “Ya know, some diners will hear that a health inspector is coming, and they’ll try take spray to the whole thing, but Roxie’s? Roxie’s is nothing but coffee stains and sweet maple syrup. The real deal.”

Roxie’s cook and cashier, Wilson Gray, was pleased to find they had passed the inspection.

“We’re just trying to help people get a great breakfast to start their day,” reported Gray, pausing as he prepared a burger with the same set of gloves he’d used to handle a stack of cash. “We take a lot of pride in our work, and we know the right amount of residue our customers like to have on the table to make them feel at home.”

At press time, a Roxie’s waitress was seen cleaning the table, but not too well.

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