March Madness Commences With Blood Sacrifice Of Duke Blue Devil Under First Moon

The Blue Devil’s blood will be drunk by the winning team’s point guard.

Marking the commencement of this year’s NCAA Basketball Tournament, NCAA officials performed the ceremonial sacrifice on Tuesday, murdering a Duke Blue Devil under the light of the full moon.

As per tradition, sixteen cloaked NCAA officials undertook the task of the sacrifice, convening at center court of the UD Arena in Dayton, Ohio. One official reportedly tore the mascot’s still-beating heart from his chest, exposing it to frenzied cheers from the crowd. The ceremonial offering took place in the view of an arena filled to capacity, with mixed reviews from fans of the sport.

Some, like 41-year-old Iowa State Cyclones fan Mark O’Neil, are less keen on the ritual, saying, “The blood and guts aren’t really my cup of tea, but tradition is tradition, I suppose.”

Others, including Doug Edwards, a 28-year-old Gonzaga fan, believe the sacrifice is imperative to the spirit of the big dance. “It’s called March Madness, not March Kumbaya! Woooo! Now let’s get crazy!” Edwards shouted when asked for comment.

Fans of the sport will be pleased with the results of the sacrifice as the official NCAA haruspex reported that the liver of the mascot was both “sizable” and “plump,” which promises an exciting tournament full of buzzer beaters and big plays.

At press time, an official NCAA augur reported the lack of birds in the Ohio sky was an omen for second-round upsets to come.

 

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