Public Safety Officials Angered By President Schlissel’s Leprechaun Traps

Schlissel has reportedly dealt with the pests since he first took office at Michigan in 2014.
Schlissel has reportedly dealt with the pests since he first took office at Michigan in 2014.

A campus-wide security alert was released last week following a string of incidents in which several students were injured by makeshift booby-traps constructed across campus.

The traps, which the Department of Public Security called “an extreme safety hazard,” were reportedly constructed by President Mark Schlissel in an attempt to catch one of what he claims may be several leprechauns roaming the city of Ann Arbor in preparation for St. Patrick’s Day.

“This university has always been about innovation, about thinking outside of the box,” said Schlissel, sliding a bowl of Lucky Charms in front of the empty cage. “Frankly, I don’t know whether or not leprechauns exist, but I’m not going to give up on what could be an incredible opportunity just because they might be fictional.”

So far, as many as seven students have reportedly been injured in run-ins with the traps, including sophomore Amy Holland. Holland said that she saw a string of arrows written in chalk near to the Ugli that said “Gold here,” and decided to follow them.

“I figured it was some kind of promotion for a club or some sort of protest thing, so I followed the arrows to see what they were for,” said Holland. “Next thing I know, I feel this shooting pain in my ankle.”According to university officials, Holland stepped on what is believed to be a Beamshot #15 Grizzly Bear trap. Other students have reported similar experiences involving various cardboard boxes and cages, along with one unfortunate incident involving fly tape and a bucket of chocolate coins that sent one student to the intensive care unit.

At press time, Schlissel had apologized for the accidents, but said he remains committed to obtaining “a one-way ticket to the end of the rainbow.”

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