Conservative Grandmother Expecting Love Like Some Kind Of Handout

Norman reportedly plans to continue to mooch off the government teat in her upcoming Medicare-funded hip replacement.
Norman reportedly plans to continue to mooch off the government teat in her upcoming Medicare-funded hip replacement.

Local grandmother and ideological conservative Helen Norman reportedly expects to be loved like it’s some kind of handout.

“She’s just being lazy – that’s all it is,” said Norman’s granddaughter, Tori Beamer. “She lays around all day doped up on painkillers, doesn’t know the value of a hard day’s work, and then asks me to call more? Forget it – I’m not running a charity.”

According to witnesses, Norman, a college graduate who still lives in her child’s basement, spends most of her waking hours listening to Rush Limbaugh Morning Update and insisting her grandchildren study something “practical” at a trade school.

“She just expects regular visits like she’s entitled to them,” said Beamer. “If she wants to be loved so much, why doesn’t she get a goddamned Instagram like the rest of us and put in the work?”

Norman, lifetime member of the Republican Party and adult woman who relies on others to help dress her in the morning, is known best for her long winded rants against the younger generation and assuring dissenters that they will “understand when [they’re] older.”

“She’s a total narcissist, too,” said Beamer. “Always wants to know where her hearing aid is, where her CPAP machine is – what about the rest of us, huh?”

“I’m sure she wishes she lived in some kind of nanny state,” added Beamer. “Not on my watch – this is the free market, and if you want my affection and care you’re gonna have to compete, and frankly, I’m not sure what she brings to the table.”

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