First Easter Without Grandma To Feature Welcome Lack Of Jesus Stuff

The Colburns, seen here enjoying their meal, which they did not pray before.

Realizing that there were no plans to attend Palm Sunday mass and that no one in her family seemed to be acknowledging Lent this year, sophomore Hannah Colburn concluded last Tuesday that the first Easter since the death of her grandmother would feature a welcome lack of Catholic, Jesus-y, and otherwise religious ceremony and paraphernalia.

“Grandma really liked to bang us over the head with stuff about the resurrection,” said Colburn. “It was her favorite holiday. But I have to say I was pretty relieved when I realized that no one was picking up the slack for her this year.”

Colburn’s grandparents’ house is usually adorned with crosses, painted eggs that spell out “Jesus” and wooden signs that read “He is risen” this time of year. Those decorations were reportedly left in the basement this year.

“I figured Grandpa wouldn’t be putting all the decorations up this year. It was more Grandma’s thing, and they’d probably just make him kind of sad anyway,” said Colburn. “But Mom didn’t put her “Savior” sign out with the Easter wreath and other decorations either, and I’m starting to think we’re not even gonna have to talk about the story of the resurrection this year at all.”

Colburn claimed that she confirmed that the Colburn’s first Easter without the family matriarch would be solidly “Jesus free” when she heard about their Easter day plans.

“My mom called the other night to tell me we have a brunch reservation for 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, right in the middle of mass,” said Colburn, “I asked her if that meant we have to go on Saturday or something and she just said, ‘I wouldn’t think so,’ as if we hadn’t all been forced to go for the last 20 years.”

Sources also confirmed that Colburn’s grandmother’s CD of “resurrection” hymns would not be making an appearance a t the family Easter egg hunt.

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