Don’t Loft Your Bed In A Hazardous Configuration

Listen up everybody, I know moving into college is complicated, and you’re all just aching to be free spirits, but let’s get a few things straight. Upon moving into your dorm rooms, you were all provided with easily customizable furniture blocks, equipped with state of the art safety features to make sure you can study in peace and have a cozy night’s sleep.

Now, I don’t ask much, but under no circumstances should you attempt any other design. If you don’t conform to safety procedures, you are a liability, and if that’s the case, we’re not going to be as close friends as I originally thought. I don’t want to be anyone’s parent. But I swear to god if you try and pull some mega-lo ed things for extra floor space I will lose it.

We’re all here to have fun and learn something! I’m not here to bust you for stealing mugs from the dining hall, or waiting too long to change your sheets. But if you try and pull something fancy with the bunkbeds, I will come for you, and I will come for you hard. So be smart, and we won’t have a problem.

Michigan is an amazing place! We’re going to have an awesome year, and you’re going to make some of the greatest friends of your life in this hall. But trust me, hell hath no fury as I will if I have to take you to the hospital because you broke your arm because of a hazardous configuration. If I catch you with a wobbly bed or unscrewed modules, you will be very, very sorry.

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