Average American Spends Three Weeks Of Life In Corn Maze

Fortunately, the sustenance of the corn cobs and the warmth of the stalks keep millions safe each year.
Fortunately, the sustenance of the corn cobs and the warmth of the stalks keep millions safe each year.

Fortunately the sustenance of the corn cobs and the warmth of the stalks keep millions safe each year.

 

In a staggering report released last Thursday, researchers at the University of Maryland found that the average American spends about three weeks of their life in a corn maze.

“The American populace is spending more time than they think wandering aimlessly in corn mazes at their local fairs and apple orchards.” commented head researcher Raquel McNally. She later added “It’s our lab’s hope that Americans remain vigilant if they find themselves turned around in a corn maze.”

Although Americans spend markedly less time indoors than people in similarly developed countries, McNally’s report noted that Americans enjoy participating in season activities, especially those who live in Midwestern states. According the the report, most midwesterners will spend up to two weeks in a corn maze by the time they are sixteen.

“I feel like three weeks sounds like a while,” commented Malvern native Jerry Goodman. “But have you ever been to the Malvern Country maze? Took me at least three hours to find my way out of there.”

The sum total of corn maze hours included all the time typical Americans were trying to determine if they had already been in this corner before, or deciding to go back to the previous intersection.

Researchers advised Americans that should they ever be stuck in a maze, all they have to do is follow along the wall with their hand and they’d get eventually find their way out, almost certainly within three weeks.

At press time, Goodman was considering paying extra for the hayride.

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