Falling victim to the ever-changing linguistic landscape of the Internet, clueless dad David Wernoff reports that the language used by younger generations is changing far too quickly for him to handle.
Wernoff, who loves keeping up with his two teenage daughters, admitted that despite his best efforts to stay current, he has found himself entirely left behind by the fast-evolving language of today’s youth.
“The other day, I overheard my daughter talking on the phone,” relayed Wernoff. “She said something about being ‘v pissed’ about some girl who was ‘throwing hella shade,’ and she needed to ‘get savage’ and ‘clap back.’”
The father of three says he often feels like he’s floundering when he attempts to use his kids’ language to communicate with them.
“I want to be a good dad and connect with my kids, like any parent,” he says, “but there are too many new words and ways to use them. I was hoping to get dinner with my son last week, so when I picked him up from soccer practice I asked him if he wanted to go to Wendy’s and ‘rip some dank nugs.’ Chicken nuggets were always his favorite, but he and his friends just laughed at me like I was a clown.”
Wernoff says that he has taken up the practice of spending thirty minutes a day studying youth slang on Urban Dictionary in order to better relate to the younger generation.
“I’ve been studying for about a month now, but I have to say, there’s just so much it seems impossible. Right when I get my head wrapped around ‘Taylor Swifting,’ they’ve moved on to ‘krumping’ and ‘rick-rolling’. I can’t keep up.”
At press time, Wernoff was blocking internet access for the house after reading now decades-old Urban Dictionary entries for “Dirty Sanchez” and “Alaskan Pipeline.”