Conservationists Agree Environment Not Worth Cyclists

Cyclists, pictured here making us all not want to do our part.


After minimal deliberation, the nation’s environmentalists have agreed that the environmental benefits provided by cycling as opposed to driving are, “just not worth having cyclists.”

“I get that they’re reducing carbon emissions and cutting down on fossil fuel usage,” stated environmental scientist and activist Joe Santino. “But God, at what cost?”

Santino’s research pointed to the conclusion that cyclist’s presence on roads and public spaces is not worth their reduced carbon footprint. Santino stated that while no one particularly likes recycling or vegetarians either, these environmental friendly measures are at least tolerable as they, “don’t slow down your commute to work or try to run you down on the sidewalk.”

Other environmentalists have cited the “weird tight outfits,” and lack of regard for the rules of the road as other factors that have led the costs of cycling to outweigh the benefits. Still more environmental scientists conclude that being told “on your left,” while walking with your family is more off-putting than it is considerate.

Santino also believes that while taking measures to preserve the earth’s “natural beauty,” are still important, resorting to encouraging more people to take up cycling, “might be a sign it’s time to let it go.”

“The earth has had a pretty good run the past few billion years,” Santino added. “All I’m saying is that it might not be worth it to prolong its life if that means cyclists are still around.”At press time, the nation’s leading health professionals were debating if recommending cycling was really worth combating the obesity epidemic.

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