Expert In Efficiency Climbs Stairs Two Steps At A Time

Hawthorne was reportedly still four minutes late to class.
Hawthorne was reportedly still four minutes late to class.

Demonstrating a stair climbing technique undoubtedly superior to the traditional one-step approach, LSA freshman Tim Hawthorne reportedly amazed onlooking students as he walked up the stairs of Mason Hall two steps at a time.

According to witnesses, Hawthorne “held a master class in efficiency” as he went up two flights of stairs in the same number of steps that it normally takes to go up only one, showing droves of plebeians the error in their archaic one-step-at-a-time ways.

“The way I see it, two steps at once is just faster,” said Hawthorne. “Granted, it probably isn’t all that much faster, since the long steps take twice as long as regular steps. Also, it slows down things for everyone else since it means I take up twice as much space. But the important thing is that I’ve found a better way to climb stairs than all of these idiots. And at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.”

Despite his excitement, Hawthorne later admitted that he would probably still continue walking down stairs normally because doing otherwise “seems kind of dangerous.”

This milestone achievement is just the latest innovation to come out of Hawthorne, who sources say “always looks in a hurry to get somewhere important.”

“When I first saw Tim’s crosswalking technique, I was blown away,” explained roommate Jake Pendleton. “Instead of waiting for the walk signal to light up, he’ll start crossing the street as soon as the traffic light for oncoming traffic turns red. It’s a complicated maneuver, but when it comes to doing obnoxious things to save negligible amounts of time, Tim is a trailblazer.”

At press time, Hawthorne was spotted cutting through the trees and shrubs behind the Chem building to save a few seconds.

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