After much deliberation, long- time roommates Sarah Hartby and Lisa Chun have agreed that it is time for their houseplant to be put down.
“She’s pretty old,” commented Hartby. “We thought it might be helpful to put her outside for a while, but that only seems to have made matters worse. She’s had a full, loving life, but we came to the decision together that it’s high time she be put out of her misery.”
The houseplant, which was purchased on a whim from Meijer at the start of the term, had already lost all but one of its leaves by midterms week. Awaiting its euthanasia, the pale plant is currently being quarantined on the windowsill.
“She stopped drinking about a month ago,” remembered Chun. “And then we started finding piles of dirt on the windowsill. She had to be spoon fed, and even then sometimes it would all leak right through her.”
“It’s heartbreaking to think about how her oxygen will no longer be diffusing into the room,” Hartby noted.
Katalina Pryce, long-time friend of the roommates, had a different take on the matter.
“They literally always do this,” commented Pryce. “I honestly don’t believe those two are capable of taking care of anything. Once, I caught Lisa cremating a pencil because she had broken the tip and didn’t know where to find a sharpener. By next month they’ll have yet another plant which they’ll neglect yet again.”
At press time, Hartby was seen putting a moldy mug out of its misery by throwing it into a trashcan.
