University Protects Freedom To Question Students’ Right To Exist

"Heil to the Victors," cheered Spencer.
"Heil to the Victors," cheered Spencer.

Following an announcement that the University would not attempt to block white supremacist Richard Spencer from speaking on campus, President Schlissel and the Board of Regents have been lauded for their commitment to an open and free debate over whether certain students should be allowed to exist.

The University is set to begin logistical discussions concerning the white nationalist’s appearance this week. Campus-wide emails have been sent to assuage students’ fears that the University would inhibit their freedom to have the validity of their humanity discredited by the human incarnation of a YouTube comments section.

“As a renowned public university, it’s important to safeguard the marketplace of ideas that allow for multiple perspectives on whether you deserve to continue living,” commented President Schlissel. He later added, “I just hope that everyone remains open-minded about whether they might be better off going back to wherever our esteemed visitor says they came from.”

Spencer, the clean-shaven gremlin protesting the suppression of his first amendment rights, maintains his unalienable entitlement to openly denounce the personhood of a large part of the University’s student population.

“It’s in the Constitution” remarked Thomas Huntsman, a spokesperson for Spencer. “The first amendment allows for the open exchange of any opinion concerning the validity of anyone who doesn’t look like you.”

Despite concerns from the Nazi’s team, the University is unwavering in their dedication to “hearing him out.”

“The only thing worse than letting a Nazi speak on campus is letting no Nazis speak on campus,” said Board of Regent member Mark Bernstein.

Bernstein later admitted he’d be staying far away from the event, “just in case.”

Related News