Congressman Defends Sexual Misconduct With Obscure Biblical Tale Of Jesus Using Binoculars To Watch Women Change

Representative Perch tried to convey that this kind of thing has been going on since at least the New Testament.
Representative Perch tried to convey that this kind of thing has been going on since at least the New Testament.

In light of recent allegations of illicit sexual behavior spanning over ten years, GOP Congressman Robert Perch recently invoked a little-known biblical story of Jesus hiding in women’s backyards to peep through their windows.

“Leviticus 70:16 reads, “and thy Lord doth took high-definition pictures of women’s breasts from thy bushes and ‘twas wrongfully accused of sexual harassment,” said Perch. “Look it up.” Although the biblical story in question occurred in a society where men could not mix linen and wool fabrics in their clothes, Perch found the fable applicable to his current situation.

Several other members of the GOP have corroborated Perch’s claims, saying there was “nothing unholy” about masturbating in women’s backyards until being caught in the act. Perch encouraged constituents to spend less time on the internet and to read up on pertinent scripture.

“All twelve apostles did it, that’s a fact, and yet there’s a witch hunt coming after Robert. The true sinners are the ones casting stones right now,” said Congressman Jerry Garland.

The biblical passage was only one of many cited by members of Congress who have been accused of disturbing sexual acts in the past month. Congressmen have recalled reading that God not only ordered Moses to wait outside Chestnut Middle School to “take his girlfriend out for ice cream” but also to lurk on chat rooms back in 2005 asking for home addresses.

“We just want the Lord’s voice to be heard,” said Perch. “If women don’t want anyone staring into their rooms while they change, I think they should get rid of their windows, and ask themselves what Christ would have done. I’ll tell you what I think my Lord and Savior Christ would have done—send an unsolicited picture of his penis with the caption ‘you like what you see?’”

At press time, Perch was seen writing an amendment to the Constitution that permitted politicians to steal women’s underwear to sell over Craigslist.

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