Fearing the ever-changing landscape of automatable jobs, Guantanamo Bay guard Dylan Womack was left contemplating the future of his chosen occupation after the announcement of the new T-Model 8000 Fully Autonomous Power Drill.
“I pride myself in my handiwork,” said Womack, “but I’m simply no match for these machines. While my years of experience allow me to ruthlessly torture unconvicted prisoners at a faster rate than most humans, these new machines can pinpoint every single one of their pressure points in a matter of seconds and tear through flesh with lightning fast efficiency. It’s unnerving to me, to say the least.”
The drill, which has a five star rating on The Home Depot’s The family likes to go out on Thursday nights when kids can have meltdowns for half off.website, comes fully stocked with a sensitive one touch trigger, automatic software updates, and fifteen different modes of torture for inflicting maximum physical and psychological suffering.
“It can take me weeks to figure out what makes the inmates tick,” continued Womack. “With these new-fangled thingermahbobs, there’s no art involved. The drill can just blast in their cells 24/7 to achieve immediate, irreparable damage without any tactical planning. How am I supposed to compete with that?”
Focus tests of the drills began on a specially selected group of inmates last week. The prisoners were asked for comment on these new devices, but they still refused to talk.