Mike Pence Emits High-Pitched Screech To Signal Feeding Time

The screech scattered a murder of crows.

Sources claim that precisely at sundown, Vice President Mike Pence threw his head back and emitted a high-pitched squall to signal feeding time. The noise lasted six minutes and was heard by multiple witnesses within a half-mile radius, all of whom reported a sinking feeling in the pit of their stomach and “an uncomfortable craving for flesh.”

Following the screech, several high-ranking White House staffers were seen entering the State Dining Room in an organized fashion and latching the door behind them. Shortly afterward, the door reportedly opened just long enough for someone to throw several fresh animal skeletons outside. Though the skeletons were not identified, a staffer noted that one “looked kind of like a gazelle.”

“It’s starting to become a regular thing,” explained staffer Jordan Goldberg, “I was asking Jared a question, when that screeching noise started, and suddenly his eyes just glazed over. He said it was ‘time to consume.’ I asked if he was feeling okay and he turned and left without another word.”

Asked to comment, Vice President Pence responded that “the call has been issued. Now we will see who shall heed it.”

Added Pence, “tonight we shall dine on earthly pleasures.”

“I keep asking, and still no one will tell me what happens back there,” stated White House chef Cristeta Comeford. “All I know is that it’s nothing that comes from my kitchen.”At press time, Pence was seen scuttling to his hole for a digestion nap.

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