Man Declaring Caffeine His Favorite Drug Should Try Literally Any Other Drug

McLaren might try replacing his morning coffee with a nice numbing 8-ball of cocaine.
McLaren might try replacing his morning coffee with a nice numbing 8-ball of cocaine.

After area man Dan McLaren made it clear that caffeine was “definitely his drug of choice,” sources close to McLaren reported that the 22-year-old should “really give literally anything else a try.”

McLaren reported that he usually starts his morning with at least one or two cups of coffee and if he’s feeling “extra risky” will occasionally add a shot or two of espresso throughout the day.

“I get that it can perk you up in the morning,” said McLaren’s roommate Arthur Hill. “But to say it’s your favorite drug? I really think he’s not having as much fun as he could.”

Hill stated that while he understands that caffeine is “technically” considered a drug by the FDA, the fact that McLaren claims it is his favorite demonstrates that he “really hasn’t done too much experimenting and should maybe start.”

“I mean, alcohol is also considered a drug,” said Hill. “Has he tried that yet?”

Hill added that if his roommate is going to continue to claim caffeine is his favorite drug he should at least try, “topping it off with a little ephedrine and maybe an ibuprofen for an extra kick.”

McLaren has reportedly also stated that caffeine tends to give him a “sort of high,” leading friends to believe that he actually has never been high.

At press time, McLaren was seen joking that he might need to go to rehab as he’s “totally addicted to caffeine.”

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