Report: Spotify Algorithms May Have Locked Onto Dave’s Depression

Dave is reportedly considering switching his streaming service to Apple, who already has the rest of his personal information.
Dave is reportedly considering switching his streaming service to Apple, who already has the rest of his personal information.

According to a report released by the internet company today, Spotify has announced that its algorithms have, without a doubt, locked onto Dave’s depression.

The streaming giant, which tailors its music recommendations based on each user’s listening history and favorite artists, reportedly has “a pretty good hold” on Dave’s mental health situation.

“Dave seems to be having a pretty rough time right now,” said Spotify engineer Sandra Wilmons. “He’s been pumping out a lot of Matchbox Twenty, some Goo Goo Dolls, and we’re sending some R.E.M. and Blink 182 favorites right back at him.”

In their statement, Spotify noted that given his recent artist search history and the depressing tone of his automatically generated daily mixes, they may have tapped into something very real and very wrong in Dave’s psyche.

“There seems to be a marked decline in the variation of musical genres over the winter months punctuated with a short stint of love songs, where we anticipate he experienced a break-up,” the statement read.

Spotify maintained that despite the red flags seemingly raised by every subsequent song played, they are not responsible for the vicious feedback loop that is Dave’s increasingly singular and depressing music tastes.

At press time, a Spotify representative mentioned that someone should probably check on Kyle Mulaney in Fort Worth, Texas

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