Unfortunately, we were unable to deliver your package from Dexter, MI, as we could not obtain your signature upon drop off.
Although our delivery person caressed your door with care and whispered sweet truths into the keyhole, nobody answered. FedExTM recommends staying in the house or having a trusted recipient to pick it up during your package’s estimated delivery time range, typically between 7:30 a.m. and midnight.
FedExTM also recommends that customers watch out for telltale signs that the delivery person is waiting outside, such as someone coughing softly or wind gently flowing through chimes. If you have purchased our premium delivery plan, they may also throw rocks at your window or hold up a boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s “In your Eyes.”
When answering the door, do not look the delivery person in the eye, as it may scare them off, and they will have to come back the next day.
We are committed to ensuring the safe delivery of your package, which is why we will attempt to deliver the package two (2) more times before burning its contents along with an old yearbook picture of you, and then using the box for the box castle at headquarters.
If that happens, you will be able to sign for and pick up your package at a mystery FedExTM location near you by tapping on the door three times and murmuring your secrets into the desk guy’s left ear.
Thank you for using FedExTM. Your continued service is valuable to us.