Study Reports That Every Semester, Average Student Eats 8-10 Pizza House Cheesy Breads In Their Sleep

The study found that occurrences are highest in the winter months, when cheesy breads go inside to escape the cold.
The study found that occurrences are highest in the winter months, when cheesy breads go inside to escape the cold.

Recently conducted surveys indicate that the average Michigan student consumes just over eight Pizza House cheesy breads in their sleep over the duration of a semester.

Lead researcher and U-M professor Sean Kaufman stated that despite indulging on over 2000 calories of pure bread and cheese, students are completely unconscious during the event, and show no later recollection of the occurrence.

“I was shocked to hear that I was eating so much cheesy bread,” said sleep study participant Connor McElroy. “I would have guessed that someone would eat one or two in their sleep, but eight just seems extreme.”

“It’s certainly a statistic that has many college students concerned,” Kaufman noted. “Unfortunately, there really isn’t a clear-cut solution on how to amend this type of problem. Our data suggests that cheesy bread is just a fact of life.”

Pizza House recently responded to the report. “I understand that the consumption of our Cheesy Bread is completely involuntary,” said store owner Reese Crawford. “And I can assure you that the production of this item is equally accidental.”

Last Thursday night, over a third of the undergraduate population woke up with half of a Pancheros burrito crawling into their mouth.

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