Mike Pence Bursts From Labor Secretary’s Chest At Cabinet Meeting

“Ah!” reported Acosta.


Sources report that United States Vice President Mike Pence abruptly burst from Labor Secretary Jim Acosta’s chest in a violent explosion of entrails and broken ribs during a White House cabinet meeting. Cabinet members reportedly looked on as a blood-soaked Pence proceeded to scuttle in a panic across the table and into an open air vent.

“I was mortified. One second everyone was discussing the budget, and then Jim was on the ground writhing in pain as his body emitted the horrible sound of tearing flesh, and the room was filled with a terrible screaming,” stated a shaken Treasury Secretary Steven Mnunchin. “It took me a full minute to realize the one who was screaming was me.”

Although Pence has not been seen since the incident, several White House aides have reported “deep and heavy breathing” coming from the vents, and what appears to be a pile of molted skin found in a supply closet.

“I think he’s growing,” reported aide Gary Sterne.

Continued Sterne, “If we don’t find him soon, he’ll have fully matured, and then we’ll have no idea what we’re up against.”

Although Acosta’s chest eruption came as a shock to all in attendance, several staff members noted that he had a particularly voracious appetite that morning, and questioned why Pence was not in attendance.

“This all started after Mike invited Jim to that lunch meeting in his office,” reported Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke. “Ever since he came back from that, he seemed different. Off, somehow. I should’ve never let him go to that meeting alone.”

At press time, sources reported a goopy green slime dripping from the White House walls.

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