Area Man Fucking Sucks At Solitaire

Bowers can’t remember if the cards are supposed to go up or down.
Bowers can’t remember if the cards are supposed to go up or down.

After adopting the popular game as a relaxing distraction from the chaos of everyday life, it is being widely reported that area man Malcolm Bowers fucking sucks at solitaire.

Bowers, looking for structure after being dumped by his girlfriend of two years, quickly discovered that, when it comes to sorting cards by suit in descending order, he is absolutely fucking useless.

“Solitaire seemed like a simple game, so I was hoping I would at least be average at it,” said Bowers, whose last major accomplishment is placing third in his middle school’s spelling bee.

“But after losing ten games in a row, I’ve come to the conclusion that solitaire is just another thing I’m really fucking bad at.”

Bowers used an unopened deck of cards he had originally bought with the intent of having “some buddies” over for a poker night one day.

“At least no one saw how bad I am at solitaire. That would be embarrassing,” said Bowers, whose total incompetence in the workplace has made him the laughing stock of his co-workers.

Solitaire is the latest in a growing list of depressingly lonely hobbies with which Bowers has experimented. Recently, bird-watching and geocaching have also proved to be equally futile in bringing meaning into his pathetic excuse for a life.

At press time, Bowers researched buying a Rubik’s Cube online before thinking better of it.

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