New Rug Doing Wonders For Asbestos-Filled Co-Op House

Samson thinks the rug really ties the room together.
Samson thinks the rug really ties the room together.

Last week, residents of Mich House Co-Op were excited to welcome to their home a brand-new used rug that would “both enliven and enrich” the living room of their asbestos-filled home. Despite the warm reception for the large Tibetan rug, which a co-op inhabitant had reportedly scored from a guy out at the campus farm, the new mat for the communal space made very little difference for the largely ignored asbestos problem within the house.

The co-op residents were reportedly “very enthused” about the new rug which would “make their home feel even more homey” and provide a place to “meditate or maybe strum a little,” while carcinogenic asbestos fibers seeped from the house’s mildewed walls into their lungs.

“It has these awesome flower prints on it,” remarked democratically-elected House Elder Amanda Sampson as she stood in front of the air ducts releasing asbestos from the basement as she spoke.

“We’d loved our old rug, but it started getting some black mold in it, so we eventually decided it was time to throw it out, back in one of our composting bins, so the fungi can have its own chance in this world,” said Sampson, gesturing to the surrounding room and the fumes encircling her.

At press time, the housing cooperative’s residents were debating how to furnish the lead paint-filled yoga room and picking out new paintings for the mildew-infested kitchen walls.

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