Trump Appoints Mr. Peanut As Secretary Of Agriculture

Everyone knows Peanut has been getting Monsanto bribes for years.
Everyone knows Peanut has been getting Monsanto bribes for years.

A spokesperson for the Trump Administration released a statement on Tuesday saying that Mr. Peanut, the mascot of the brand Planters Peanuts, will be appointed as Secretary of Agriculture.

“We believe that Mr. Peanut’s extensive agricultural background and business knowledge is exactly what we need here in the White House,” said President Trump. “He has been in the business for many, many years and I promise he will help us Make America Great Again.”

Mr. Peanut has been the president and face of Planters Peanuts since 1913. With his signature monocle, cane and vest, he is known for industrializing and monopolizing the peanut farming industry.

“My team and I are very excited to revitalize the peanut industry here in America. After 100+ years in growing quality nuts here in North America, I know what kind of peanuts the world wants, and I will make sure that we get our American nuts on the shelves all over the world,” said Mr. Peanut.

However, there has been much pushback from the National Farmers’ Union.

“He doesn’t look out for us little guys!” said Farmers’ Union member Sam Track. “He takes a huge bite out of our profits. He’s just another fancy business guy who doesn’t know about the common farmer. I don’t even grow peanuts.”

There have also been many complaints that the peanut lobbyists have become much too powerful in Washington.

“The corruption is clear as day,” said another lobbyist. “Who will be looking out for the nut-free population? Obviously, the White House is just using this to further its pro-peanut agenda.”

At press time, White House staff was administering an Epipen to a staffer going into anaphylactic shock.

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