Lonely Extrovert Rebranding Self As Introvert

Walter, pictured here trying to look comfortably introverted rather than very sad and lonely at a party.
Walter, pictured here trying to look comfortably introverted rather than very sad and lonely at a party.

In an effort to carve out a self- image that better reflects him at this time of his life, lonely extrovert Anthony Walter has begun to change his personal brand to “introvert.”

“I realized that I’m just kind of a keep-to-himself kind of guy. You’re more likely to catch me chilling at home on a Friday night than at the club,” reported Walter, who recently abandoned a failed campaign to find a group interested in attending Coachella with him. “I’m naturally more of a lone wolf.”

Though Walter was previously known to compulsively check his phone in hopes that someone requested to make plans, years of lukewarm activity reportedly led him to conclude that perhaps solitude was the best fit for him.

“I think I just feel more energized, and in fact, do my best work, when I’m riding solo,” said Walter, referencing the hours of free time that his lack of social life has allotted him. “Sometimes I do get sidetracked looking at Reddit threads about depression, though.”

Walter has recently begun taking on what he sees as more “introverted interests,” such as reading at the library, although not all has gone smoothly so far. An onlooker who had been sitting nearby Walter noted that, “he spent about five minutes reading his book before trying to start a conversation with me. Seemed kind of desperate, to be honest.”

At press time, Walter was seen retaking a Buzzfeed quiz titled “Introvert or Extrovert,” ensuring every answer implied a lack of interest in being near others.

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