Most Biology Classes Just About Kinky Animal Sex

Students can be expected to learn a little too much about the birds and the bees.
Students can be expected to learn a little too much about the birds and the bees.

A recent study has revealed that, despite commonly held beliefs, most university level biology classes are mostly just about really wild animal sex.

“A common misconception about upper-level life science courses is that they teach students about vital ecological or physiological processes,” said the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Isabel MacAvoy. “This simply isn’t true. Our findings show that nearly every biology class is just about animals having super messed-up, nasty sex.”

The study cited EEB 382, an evolution course, as an example, noting that in the several class periods spent on sexual selection, the instructor showed seven gratuitously long clips of animal coitus.

One such clip portrayed a male duck, who evolved a 50-centimeter-long, corkscrew-shaped penis in response to sexually antagonistic selective pressures, “fucking the brains out of a female.” Another depicted hermaphroditic banana slugs chewing each others’ phalluses off in a particularly intense act of rough love-making.

MacAvoy added that it is important to note that while most material taught in these classes is about kinky animal sex, some information about kinky prokaryotic sex could also be expected when learning about bacterial conjugation.

While these videos may appear to be supplementary to the curriculum, MacAvoy asserts that “animal sex-tapes” are fundamental pieces of nearly every biology syllabus. MacAvoy corroborated this statement by presenting a recorded lecture of an ecology class which featured a lengthy video about a dragonfly scooping out the sperm of another male from his mate using his lengthy genitalia.

The study concluded by postulating that the small percentage of biology classes not about sex were about the Krebs cycle or apocalyptic antibiotic resistance.

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