Schlissel Disappointed To Find Out He Won’t Be Graduating After Four Years

Schlissel laughed sheepishly as he admitted he’d be ‘back for a victory lap.'
Schlissel laughed sheepishly as he admitted he’d be ‘back for a victory lap.'

University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel expressed his disappointment last Thursday after finding out that he was not eligible to graduate this semester.

Schlissel, who has worked diligently as president of the University for the past four years, was shocked and upset that he would not be turning his tassel this April.

“All my friends are graduating but I found out from my advisor that I’m not going to be,” said the president of the University of four years. “It’s weird finding out now, after all this, that I won’t be able to walk on April 28th.”

“I even waited in the queue forever to buy my family graduation tickets,” he added. The president was reportedly missing a Race and Ethnicity course on his degree audit.

Schlissel, who had been planning to travel before starting his new life, was also irritated that his plans would revolve around school for even longer.

“I feel like I’ve done everything that there is to do in Ann Arbor,” said Schlissel, mentioning activities like spinning the Cube and eating at Zingermans. “I was hoping to move on to a bigger city and try to make my mark on the world, but instead I guess I’m gonna be back here.”

Schlissel’s friends also reported surprise that Schlissel would back at the University next year.

“It’s weird that he isn’t going to be moving out with us after all this time we’ve spent together,” said close friend David Spillman. “But it’s cool that he’ll be here next year so I have a place to stay if I come back and visit.”

“On the bright side,” said the University president, “that means another semester of tailgates, baby!”

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