Incoming LSA freshman Carson Jones was horrified to discover last Wednesday the wealth of on-campus resources that the University of Michigan offered to him as an undergraduate student.
“At first I thought it was for everyone else, like the teachers or grad students or something,” reported an aggrieved Jones. “It was when I realized that I myself was expected to utilize thousands of dollars of university funding sources on my own initiative that I started to panic.”
After visiting academic advisor Katherine Hollis for an appointment last week, Jones was forced to learn of the existence of over fifteen discrete entrepreneurship programs spread across the 19 U of M colleges that all clamored to assist him, to his dismay.
“Festifall was the stuff of nightmares,” added a visibly upset Jones. “I came in thinking I wanted to volunteer with kids maybe, but I think I’m just gonna go back to my room now.”
While Jones stated that he appreciates the University’s efforts, he feels that the numerous resources just add “a whole new level of pressure.”
“Sometimes no options is just better than options, ya know,” said Jones. “I wish they would have done the considerate thing and let me just throw in the towel and give up when things get too hard.”
Jones was last seen hyperventilating upon discovery of his residence hall’s craft supply kit.
