‘Be Still. If You Don’t Move, He Can’t See You,’ Melania Trump Warns Barron As Mike Pence Lumbers Past

Melania suggests using botox; it helps everything stay in place.
Melania suggests using botox; it helps everything stay in place.

Sources report that Melania Trump and her youngest son, Barron, were seen huddling quietly in a corner—hoping to remain undetected as Vice President Mike Pence lumbered slowly past.

“Freeze,” Melania was overheard saying. “His vision is based on movement. If you stay still, he won’t see us.”

The first lady and her child were cornered by Pence after the youngest Trump disturbed what passersby described as “a rudimentary nest,” constructed from torn bible pages held together with spittle. “Foolish boy!” Melania scolded, before the ground reportedly began shaking with the footsteps of an alerted Pence.

Holding their breath, Melania and Barron were reportedly left to watch, painful seconds ticking by, as Pence stalked slowly past in search of fresh meat. “His drive to feed is strong, but his vision is weak,” Melania assured Barron. “As long as he thinks we are statues or hallway ornaments, we have a chance to survive.”

Continued a wary Melania, “And don’t look him in the eye. If you do, even for an instant, you are lost.”

Sources claim that the situation became desperate when Barron stepped on a brittle skeleton in his efforts to sneak away, reporting that Pence swung his head around and began sniffing the space Barron had occupied seconds earlier. White House camera footage shows Pence coming “within inches” of Barron’s face, then grunting and moving on in his hunt.

The duo took their chance to escape when an unwitting White House staff member turned the corner “in the wrong place at the wrong time,” diverting Pence’s attention. After waiting for him to chase down and mercilessly devour the staff member, witnesses report that Melania and Barron were able to sneak away unharmed.

At press time, the White House was permeated by Pence’s frustrated roar after realizing his quarry had escaped.

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