The nation’s leading climate change experts convened on Washington last Tuesday to announce their recommendation to “change the climate back.”
“We’ve gotta throw this puppy in reverse,” said Dr. Scott McIver, an environmental expert specializing in weather patterns, at a press conference on Tuesday. “We need to act today. I suggest we reverse the course of our planet’s destruction now, or it’s going to be too late.”
“We’ve made a series of increasingly detrimental decisions about Earth’s future, the consequences of which are growing deadlier by the day,” said McIver. “I think we, as a global community, recognize this now, which is why I suggest we cut the crap with this eon’s geologic record, learn from our mistakes, and do a good job this time around.”
Lead researcher Brenda Walton seconded McIver’s remarks, but also thought to pose the question, “Just how far back shall we go?” Walton reportedly hesitated before endorsing McIver’s remarks, adding that, “We’ll have to make sure we think any actions all the way through before we just start revising Earth’s mortal timeline.”
When asked to describe his ideal vision of the planet, McIver responded, “Cleaner, for sure. Is the 1600s far back enough, or did the Industrial Revolution already happen by then? Oh, and nicer-looking too, like the ‘90s, those were cool. Favorite fashion decade by far, and I miss those cute Tamagotchi things. It’d be nice to play with them guilt-free before the ocean landfill in the Pacific got out of hand.”
At press time, the experts duly noted that they “missed the way things used to be.”
