Fat Vegan Must Have Just Gone Vegan

Dinner guests reportedly raised their eyebrows when informed ‘Meat is Murder.’
Dinner guests reportedly raised their eyebrows when informed ‘Meat is Murder.’

Smugly slipping into conversation at a friend’s dinner party that he could not consume the main dish of chicken cacciatore due to his vegan diet, it became apparent that local butterball Marshall Woods must have seriously just gone vegan.

The chunkster was reportedly proud to announce his health conscious diet but neglected to mention the duration of this newfound lifestyle change. Although he did not say, witnesses report that the fatass must have “literally started yesterday.”

“It’s really not that hard for someone who’s in tune with their body like me,” Woods was quoted as saying to a group of skeptical party goers. “I just have to plan my meals out and make sure wherever I go out to eat has accommodations for my homeopathic way of life.”

The listening crowd politely nodded, but reports indicate that there were whispers of doubt among them.

Another party member, Vanya Patel, reportedly addressed the issue privately once Woods had left to use the bathroom: “He seems dedicated to the diet, but he can only have been on it for so long, I mean come on.”

Sources report that another guest, Damien Simpson, expressly did not accuse Woods of lying, but added that he “couldn’t possibly have gone more than a few days without meat or dairy. I mean, look at him.”

The group of dinner guests were scrutinizing Woods’s food choices at the dinner table, taking silent note of his evasion of all meat and dairy products, but quietly wondering whether he had packed his own dairy-free dessert.

Near the end of the dinner, Patel mustered the courage to ask how long Woods had been a vegan. Woods confirmed he had been adhering to the diet for only a month but had in fact been vegetarian for “a while,” adding confusion to the whole affair.

 

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