Hi there, it’s good to see you again—it’s been a while since we last talked. How are you doing? Well? Great. That’s what I like to hear. It always warms my heart when my clients are content with their lives and still want to spend an hour of my day just aimlessly talking at me; it makes me feel incredibly useful. I truly hope you’re happy.
But, since you’re here, feel free to let me know about anything that’s been bothering you, since that’s what you’re paying for. I know your girlfriend gets in your hair a lot. You broke up? That’s good, I suppose. Your relationship can’t collapse into a flaming trash pile if you don’t have one. And being on your own really helps you come to terms with the fact that crippling loneliness is a natural part of life. What’s that? Oh, you’re engaged to someone else. Excellent. I’m so very happy for you. Nothing like a healthy, monogamous relationship to give therapists something to sink their teeth into. Marriage is such a magical part of life—an unalterable commitment that completely redefines who you are and makes you feel guilty about your sex dreams.
Of course, if your love life is all in order, we can talk about something else. Maybe money. How’s paying off student loans going? It must be intimidating starting a family with over a hundred thousand dollars of debt to pay off. Inherited some cash from your great aunt? Your problems just solve themselves. Anyways, that’s lovely—but you’re probably torn up about her death; I’m sure she meant a lot to you. Oh, she lived in Belarus, did she? Fantastic. It’s almost like you don’t even need a therapist.
Well, since we’re on the subject, have you been nursing any deep epistemological anxieties lately? Death is always right around the corner, but I’m sure that thought doesn’t creep into your consciousness on an hourly basis. Yes, I suppose it’s better to live in the moment. You’re just full of great ideas.
Hm, your life seems to be a sphere of mirth and bliss. I must say, it’s such a pleasure to talk with people who don’t actually need my help.