A campus-wide e-bulletin was released this morning by University Health Services in an attempt to advise students on the dangers of binge drinking. According to the announcement, the act of consuming large quantities of alcohol “is no easy task for little pussies who can’t hold their booze.”
Noting that heavy drinking is associated with severe health risks, such as memory loss, heart disease, and liver damage, the email warned that one who chooses to partake in the “frankly pretty badass” culture of binge drinking should be aware of all the risks and hazards involved. The campus-wide email, however, also took care to note that “people who can handle their shit know that risk is what life is all about.” With 56% of students below the age of 21 admitting to drinking one or more times per week, the problem of underage drinking has become a major cause for public concern.
“Try your best not to get caught, of course,” admitted the email. “We know we can’t stop you from having a vibrant and active social life, just remember that if you wind up crying and throwing up in the upstairs toilet of some frat house, you should have known that what you were getting yourself into wasn’t intended for little bitches.”
UHS concluded the announcement with the suggestion that “dickless sissies who can’t shotgun a 12-ouncer with an actual Mossberg pump action” should use apps like Stay in the Blue to ensure that they don’t “end up turning a Bursley Baits into a Vomit Comet after one too many hard lemonades.”