Advancement In Microscope Technology Leads To Discovery Of Fuck-Ugly Organism

Scientists considered scrapping the new microscopes altogether.
Scientists considered scrapping the new microscopes altogether.

A joint research venture between the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Brown University has led to the development of a new high-powered light microscope, which has in-turn resulted in the discovery of what many scientists have dubbed “a fuck-ugly little bugger.”

“Not again,” reported lead researcher Steven Wong of MIT on the newly-discovered V. pessima bacteria. “I mean, it’s amazing what we’ve been able to accomplish with the advancements in microscope technology, but take one look at these ugly bastards and you’ll wish you were in a different field.”

The brand-new microscope, capable of illuminating samples to a level of detail many experts previously thought impossible, revealed the existence of the “nasty motherfucker” last Tuesday, leading some experts to cite the organism as evidence that “Mother Nature must be a cruel bitch indeed.”

Scientists hypothesize that the new species likely evolved in areas of darkness, where the lack of light in the visible spectrum rendered the development of ocular organs an evolutionary waste. This hypothesis is also based on scientists’ observations that “nothing with eyes would ever mate with one of these things.”

“I’ve been on the frontiers of biological research for some time, and in that time I’ve seen some truly hellish beings,” claimed Dr. Vanessa Mendez, an evolutionary biology professor at Brown. “Anglerfish, star-nosed moles, H. pylori bacteria… you name it, I’ve seen it, analyzed it, and dissected it a hundred times with no problem. But let me tell you, take one look at these icky dudes with their weird hairy bulges and patches, and you’ll lose your breakfast, lunch, and dinner—I’m about to retch just talking about it.”

At press time, a consortium of leading biological researchers had called a closed-doors meeting to determine the feasibility of destroying the new microscope technology and “acting like all this creepy shit never happened.”

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