‘Ah, Shit.’ Say 80 Million Americans Who Forgot To Vote

'Oh, fuck,' they added.
'Oh, fuck,' they added.

Jolting up out of bed yesterday and jamming their faces into their hands, it is being widely reported that 80 million Americans woke up to the realization that they forgot to vote in Tuesday’s Midterm Elections.

“Fuck, yesterday was really election day, huh?” said Malcom Holmes, 24, a Pittsburgh man who, like nearly 35 percent of the electorate, forgot to exercise their unalienable right to suffrage.

Exact figures are still unavailable but it is estimated that upwards of 80 million citizens across the nation “totally spaced” on exercising their civic duty.

The enormous sum of Americans who failed to show at the polls are already rationalizing their blunder.

“I totally meant to wake up early and vote, but I hit snooze a couple times, and then when I woke up I was so hungry that I had to have breakfast before anything else,” told Heather Gomes to reporters, who explained that “one thing led to another” until she, and 80 million other patriots, woke up Wednesday morning.

The millions of incidental abstainers who overlooked a visit to their polling place were reportedly “really bummed” about their mistake and hope to make it up to the rest of the populace in due time.

“I know we all feel terrible about it. We really screwed the pooch on this one,” said Carlos Martell of Portland, Oregon. “But, if we’re being honest, Election Day does sort of sneak up on you right after Halloween.”

At press time the 80 million absent minded nonvoters were seen asking reporters if the election “went ok, at least?”

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